Dolls are people too

Ok, so these two girls decided to go on a trip to Argentina and Bolivia, and they brought me with them. And frankly, I'd like to take a few moments to talk about what really mattered during the last few weeks: the horrible mistreatment of a small Asian doll named Taylor. Yes, I am talking about me.

I'd like to say that it's not that I'm always pissed off, it's just how my face was painted on. But after a few weeks with Jean and Jenn, I'm glad that my face can show the constant feeling of hatred that I have toward these bitches.

Seriously, there were days that I never saw the outside of a purse. Do you know what else they keep in their purses? Well, neither do I because it's really dark in there.

I've stolen this smartphone and this is a cry for help. I'm not joking, someone please help me. I'm literally on the verge of slitting my wrists, but I can't because they are attached to the sides of my body.

All I have to say is that these guys deserve to be on death row for their blatant disregard for my rights. Well, ok, maybe not death row, but at least prison. I mean maybe prison is a little much, but like a harsh reprimanding. I really do hate them. Hate maybe is a strong word. I guess they're alright...

OMG I have Stockholm syndrome! I was kept in a bag! For weeks!

Salty Kuwait

Kuwait a minute, I've just been a-salt-ed.

Two hotels are next to each other, one is a salted.

Salt puns aside, let me tell you kids about our most recent adventure: Salar de Uyuni, commonly known as the Uyuni salt flats.

So it's blindingly white, and it's flat, and it's bigger than Kuwait.

Let me say that again. It's bigger than Kuwait. Like the country. It's like if Kuwait was flattened out and covered in salt. That's a small country of salt.

(ok so we fact checked a bit, and it seems our tour guide may have exaggerated, but it's still over 10,000 square kilometers of salt...and that's pretty big)

I can't stress enough that it is really big. It is so big that it looks like it's curving because of the curvature of the earth.

Ok so you get it, it's really big. We had a tour guide who reminded me of an old cartoon character that I couldn't quite put my finder on. Highlights of the two day tour included seeing weird hexagons where the water had bubbled up from below, sleeping in a hotel made of salt, finding the iPhone 6, hiking part way up a volcano, and watching the sunrise.

Did I mention that it's really big?

Death Road Adventures

Before I start this blog I'd like to apologize to each and every one of you (Todd) for the lack of blogging in the last few days. Internet in Bolivia has proven difficult. 

Now let me tell you about Sunday, for it was quite a day. 

Sunday morning we spontaneously awoke at 6 and decided it was about time to mountain bike down the Death Road. And so we set off for breakfast before loading up into a bus full of adventure seekers from around the world and two awesome guides. 

A little over an hour later, when the guide called my name first to get my gear and bike, I realized what I'd signed up for. As I test rode my bike around the parking area and remembered that I hadn't ridden a bike on anything but flat desert road in over two years, and mentally smacked myself. 

Once we were all set up with equipment, we set off in a single file line down a slightly wet road nearly entirely covered in fog and true to form Jeannie seemed cool while I reevaluated my life choices and tried not to scream. 

The first 22 km were paved and without many obstacles. We took several breaks to check in and rest and after about an hour, I was beginning to feel like perhaps I wouldn't hit my front breaks, flip over my bike and break my jaw on six places. I was nearly certain it would only be four places. 

Of course this was when we made it to the actual Death Road, entirely gravel and not entirely friendly looking. As the guide asked if we were ready to get going, Jeannie mounted her bike and declared she was. The guide then looked at me and I made a series of noises and mumbled to myself while getting on my bike. He looked worried for a moment but Jeannie explained,

"She's fine, just dramatic,"

We took the road in sections, stopping every twenty minutes to regroup. We encountered waterfalls and the constant reminder of a very steep edge that would likely bring...well, death...if we got too close. 

When we finally made it to the end, beer was waiting for us. We all enjoyed and shared our experiences and thoughts before being ferried to an animal reserve where we had lunch (not the animals) and hot showers before getting back on the bus and riding the three hours back to La Paz, tired but happy. 

Where self-aware and self-involved meet...

I'm not going to lie, I hate hostel people. Please tell me more about how you "don't travel to be a tourist" you "travel for the culture". Oh, you wrote a poem? Oh, you've been traveling for 9 months? Although I only asked where you we're from, I'm so glad you told me about how much pot you smoked in high school, because that's what I really wanted to know.

I suppose we've been spoiled by our own little apartment in Buenos Aires and only having to deal with each other. Sure, some days I want to punch Jenn in the throat for singing the same freaking song over and over for 15 days, but with her, at least I know what I'm getting myself into.

Sorry kids, we just really needed to get that off our chests.

So we've spent the last day in La Paz! We had a questionable night's sleep because of the incomprehensibly loud people in our dorm, but we woke up and faced the day anyways. We had some awesome juice and soup in the market for lunch, planned our stay in Bolivia (Death Road, here we come!), and wandered the plaza de arms, got really nervous around some pigeons (me this time, not Jenn) and ate a banana split. I'd say today was a success.

Stay tuned because tomorrow may be our last day on this earth (which will be awkward because we won't be around to blog about it)...intrigued, aren't you?

Chao Argentina

I'm going to honest with you, kids: today was probably less than blog worthy. And while I considered making up a grand story about Jeannie being attacked by a giant spider or the plane emergency landing in the Atlantic, leaving us to swim miles to shore, I think you're water than that. We're all better than that. 

So, the real story. Today we had our final morning in iguazu and flew back to Buenos Aires. After a brief moment of panic at the sight of numerous, giant planes and then another brief moment of panic when my backpack didn't come out on the belt for far too long, we made our way back to the hostel. 

We enjoyed a fantastic chorizo with all the cremas you can dream of and sat in the shade. Of course we followed this with a long and arduous search for ice cram. We walked many blocks out of our way but finally we found it and it wa magical and entirely worth it. 

We returned to the hostel and relaxed, plagued by a mysterious stomach ache until I decided I needed to hunt for leather boots and forced Jeannie to accompany me. I found some, they're glorious. 

Tomorrow morning we fly to La Paz, Bolivia for a week of hiking and hijinx. Get ready. 

Snowman selfies

Yesterday, we got trapped inside a cafe. The wall of rain prevented us from leaving, and the lack of wifi and affordable food made that cafe like our little hell.

Once we made it back to the house, our afternoon was filled with sitting around and going stir crazy.

Finally, the rain passed, and we went to the Ice Bar. The Ice Bar is...well...a bar but it's made of ice. You pay a cover price, and they allow you to stay inside for 30 minutes with an open bar (you know, made of ice).

Challenge accepted.

Jenn was cold before we even entered the room. They gave us large orange fuzzy jackets and mittens, and ushered us into a refrigerator-temperature room in order to ease us into the freezer ahead of us.

The whole thing was pretty cool: ice tables, ice cups, ice sculpture of a stegosaurus. You get the idea... it was an ice bar.

I can't confirm or deny that we got drunk, but of you can win at the Ice Bar, we definitely did.

After leaving the Ice Bar, we warmed our toes over a street hamburger and made our way to the Living Room, "the place of good times," or at least that's what the sign in front told us.

I won't bore you with the details, but I guess we had  a pretty good time.

Today we went on a long walk through the jungle, and after lunch went to Tres Fronteras (Three Borders), which is this place where you can see Brazil and Paraguay across the river. After discussing the actual feasibility of swimming across the river to be illegal in yet another country, we decided that we were basically in 3 countries today and that was good enough.

Tomorrow we fly back to Buenos Aires for a hot second before we fly to La Paz, Bolivia the next day (totally legal, I swear). I can't wait to get out of the jungle so I can stop sweating, and Jenn is getting nervous about the cold.

Things that go bump in the night

Kids, last night I was enjoying the peaceful slumber of one who has been in the sun and heat all day, when I was abruptly awoken by a series of noises. 

First I felt something crawl onto my bed, but just the edge. It reached up over me and I felt something fall sharply into my head. This was followed by a groggy, apologetic "I just...I'm so hot, I'm sorry, I'm just so hot."

When I heard the air conditioner click on above my head I understood that a heat-delirious Jeannie must have been lying awake, sweating her face off for hours before finally deciding to turn on the AC. 

Thankfully she didn't die of heat stroke and I had blankets at the ready. 

Is this the falls??

Today's adventure was Iguazu Falls. We had to walk about 30 minutes from the entrance to the actual river, leading to a lot of questions that were mostly "is this the falls?" The answer was generally, "no, Jenn, that's a puddle". But if you listened really carefully, you could hear Taylor muttering, "god these guys are dumb"

It was super beautiful and whatever. We took some quality selfies.

We also went on a boat ride where they drove us right next to one of the falls so it would spray all over us. Taylor hated it. We're also convinced that the boat slid over into the Brazil side, so we have officially been in another country this trip. Well, I guess it would be unofficially.

Also these small raccoon-y things kept trying to steal our lunch and scared Jenn (seriously is there anything that doesn't scare her?). We weren't the only ones that they were stealing from, but for some reason there was an unspoken agreement amongst everyone else to allow the little devils to sneak up to other groups so they would hilariously freak out when a tiny paw started batting at their pack of cookies. International cooperation at it's finest.

Jenn hates big things

Ok kids, get your head out of the gutter.

Apparently my dear travel companion is afraid of large, moving objects. I guess planes make the list. Don't worry, I took photos.

Yo <3 BA

Sometime yesterday afternoon Buenos Aires started to feel a bit too much like a post (zombie) apocalyptic wasteland. The ceaseless rain and wind was definitely a contributor, but the nearly empty streets were the most confusing. Add to that a weird group of people drumming, dancing and yelling with no explanation and you'll arrive at our confusion conclusion. 

I can tell you one thing for sure: today we tried to see the San Telmo market but didn't get to do so thoroughly because of the storm, we were cold and wet and even a little hangry and still We think this city is the greatest. 

Even as I sit watching the Atlantic swirl in angry storm waves from the airport, I'm listing the glorious things BA has to offer in my head:

The cutest accent ever

General friendliness toward strangers but within personal boundaries

Delicious tasty meats and fantastic wines (chorizo from a food truck anyone?)

Leather goods and adorable clothing in boutiques that look like sunshine and happiness

A million cute cafes with high quality coffee

Books. Everywhere. Cheap books, big books, red book, blue books, old books, new books. 

The fact that I can count the number of times I've been whistled at on one hand. 

Tango

Open wifi network almost anywhere (even on some public transit)

The fact that I've yet to be arrested by Interpol

In short, Buenos Aires is the bomb (dot com). We're headed to Iguazu Falls in northern Argentina this afternoon and spending a few days exploring there before returning to BA. I've heard the waterfall is "unbelievable" and "unreal"...I don't know, sounds like a rouse to me, we'll see. 

Family Outing

Some pictures from our recent family outing. We went to the cathedral, then stumbled upon this random Greek festival. Taylor obviously was unhappy to be there, remarking, "what does Greece have to do with Argentina? This place is dumb, if you make me take a picture in that dumb frame I swear I might kill myself." Taylor remains alive and overdramatic.

J&J Dictionary

plop
adj. Having the qualities to be awesome, but falling about 20% short of actually being awesome. That dress was plop. I thought that guy was cute, but then he was plop.
v. to act or be almost awesome, but consistently falling about 20% short. I was plopping at tango dancing.

Topy-top
adj. Having the qualities to be plop, but not quite being good enough to even be considered plop. I hated everything in that store, it was so topy-top.
v. to act to be sort of disappointing and/or not that awesome. Emanuel was topy-topping hard last night.

iPhone 6
n. Anything and everything that I don't understand. I don't recognize this street, it must be the iPhone 6. When Emanuel speaks English, it is the iPhone 6.

A Rebuttal

I'd like to correct the slanderous things that were posted about me this morning and add a bit of detail to the story of my newfound love. 

First, Jeannie will tell you a "fell down" whilst walking in a flat surface in very high heels. I did no such thing. 

You see, we were passing a large group of people waiting for the bus and I, as is tradition in my native state, bowed deeply toward them, throwing out my arms. I bowed so deeply that for a moment I sat on the ground which is the highest form of respect one can show where I'm from. 

The looks on their faces were not of irritation or amusement but appreciation. 

Second, I was recently told by a "friend" that I should look for men who are "kind of clumsy and maybe a little heavy." Well ladies and gentlemen, I found him. 

See Jeannie's earlier post for the details but suffice it to say he had me at "you're so tall I don't know how I would..." And then a lot of confusing gesturing. 

When he departed and broke my heart forever, my darling Emmanuel left us with a few kind words. 

To Jeannie: thank you for the conversation, I really liked talking to you

To me: I love you. I...I love you. Te amo. 

Emanuel falls in love

Jenn: "maybe I'll actually write a post on the blog tomorrow"

I don't believe that for a second.

Yesterday we walked around a ton and saw a bunch of buildings. They were sort of important, I guess, like Congress and the presidential house. And they were pretty, if you're into that sort of thing. We also stopped in some book stores and perused some really old books.

Then, last night, we got dressed fancy and went for a beer. I was in sandals and Jenn was in heels, so she was...significantly taller than me. Jenn might get upset if I tell you about the wind blowing her skirt up while we were passing a group of men, and she might get frustrated with me all over again if I remind her about how I got confused and made get walk an extra 3 blocks in her heels, so I won't tell you about those things. Instead, I'll tell you about how she tripped on absolutely nothing on a totally flat part of the street and fell on her ass. It was pretty funny, but even funnier when you add the fact that we were across the street from a crowded bus stop. We could see the looks on their faces saying, "dumb drunk tourist, completely wasted at 9:30". Little did they know, that Jenn was sober, just clumsy.

We arrived at the bar and stood around drinking some beers, when Emanuel entered our lives. He told us that he had a present, but only had one and we would have to fight for it. When he produced a 50 cent piece of chocolate, we immediately started throwing punches. He tried to convince us that it was traditional Argentine chocolate, but we had seen it many a time before in Peru, so we were not fooled. Emanuel graced us with his presence for awhile, engaging us in riveting conversation:

"Argentine men are like me but taller and more handsome and more...no fat,"
"my name in Peruvian is Emanuel...and in Argentine, it is Emanuel,"
"I am cute, like a bear... A toy...like a bear toy."
"I will come to the united states and visit Colorado, no, not Colorado, Washington. And I will knock on the door, and you will answer."

As he turned to leave, he looked at me and said, "thank you for the conversation, it was nice meeting you." He looked at Jenn, "I love you." He professed his love for Jenn multiple times before leaving.

Jenn, you heartbreaker.

"Show me your tango face"

Last night, Jenn and I went to a tango show.

The evening started with a tango lesson.  Our instructor, Alejandro, gave wonderful advice like...

"ladies, when you are surprised, what do you do? You put your leg around the man,"
"if you get it, then you got it, if you don't get it, then you didn't get it," and
"you must point your toe, if you don't point your toe, I will kill you."

No big deal, but we are now certified beginner tango dancers, or at least that's what it says on our participation certificates.

Our lesson was followed by a 3 course meal and unlimited wine. And I mean unlimited wine.

The tango show was OMG sexy. An old man sang at Jenn about how she broke his heart and now he hates her. The dancing was amazing and they made it look so easy (like a guy casually lifting a girl over his head and she somehow made that look graceful).

Here are some pictures.

Wandering the streets

The last two days, we have taken to the streets of Buenos Aires, specifically San Telmo which is the neighborhood where we are pretending to live. We've been poking in and out of small stores with adorable clothing, and getting a little lost whole looking for a bank.

Yesterday we went to the museum of modern art and it was amazing. The first exhibit was filled with crazy psychedelic things, the second room we went to had lots and lots of creepy stuff that just got so much scarier the more you looked at it, and the main exhibit was a too white room filled with hanging paintings.

Taylor was pissed that she didn't get to come with, so today we brought her out and found her kin. After exchanging pleasantries, she turned to us and said, "I f-ing hate these guys, why did you bring me here?"

Turns out Taylor is never pleased.

Wine vs. Gato: a trip to civility

Jenn and I decided to spend our evening pretending to be real people.

At 6 pm we arrived at a sketchy black door somewhere in Buenos Aires. The intercom asked our names, and we were escorted by a tall stranger up a flight of stairs to the cutest dining room ever.

5 glasses of wine later, accompanied by the most delicious tapas that ever walked the planet, we reflected that we managed to make it through an entire evening sitting at a table with real adults without making fools of ourselves.

Full, happy, and a little tipsy, we are currently celebrating out jaunt with reality by drinking boxed wine out of fancy glasses. For those of you who think the blog URL is just "where's the cat", you should know that gato is the "fanciest" Chilean wine that comes in a box.

Taylor def prefers gato.

"Who Cares?" with Taylor

Though this is my first formal piece for the newest, shall we call it, quaint travel blog hitting the web, the questionable adventures of jean and jenn, many of you may know me as the "hot one" in nearly every photo on the blog. Recently I had the opportunity to sit down with the blog's creators and try to figure out why the hell they think anyone cares about their travels, their thoughts or their very existence. 

Taylor: tell me the inspiration behind this blog

Jeannie: so it all started when we left our fancy hotel and went to sleep in the airport. We'd awoken that morning to the jarring realization that we're poor so instead of shelling out for a real bed like fools, we decided the benches at a cafe in the airport would suffice. 

Jenn: as it turns out the waitress at said cafe disagreed. She violently shook us on multiple cc assigns noting our sleepy state and lack of shoes but never kicking us out. She repeatedly reminded us that "this is a restaurant" as though we'd forgotten. Finally we did what all the greats do we slept on the floor of an airport post office. 

Taylor: ok, while this a gripping tale, it has nothing to so with my question. How, or really we're all wondering why, did this blog come to life?

Jeannie: oh right, so we woke up a few hours before our flight and made our way through security. I went through with no problems but things were a little more complicated for Jenn. 

Jenn: on a scale of one to awesome, it was not. While most people went to the desk, showed their documents and moved along I was stopped and told "you're a problem for Interpol" not "this is a problem for Interpol" but me personally. 

Taylor: look I know you really want to tell your airport story but I'm interviewing you about the blog's birth, can we stay in track ladies? Specifically Jeannie can you please help me get Jenn on track. 

Jeannie: speaking of getting Jenn on track I was waiting on the other side of immigration as I watched two large men escort Jenn from Interpol to a back office. She made a face at me that said "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...."

Taylor: Jenn can we get Jeannie on track?

Jenn: speaking of tracks, immigration officials were really going off the rails trying to simultaneously deport and hold me. And I don't mean cuddling. I was told that I could pay to go through, just a cool $800. So I finally broke down and sent Jeannie running toward the ATM to pull out money. 

Jeannie: between two ATMs I got $400, 400 soles and winded. Unfortunately none of this was enough. 

Jenn: I handed the money to the woman and she looked at me and simply said "falta"

Taylor: we're seriously falta on you answering the right question. Come on I'm begging y ---

Jenn: speaking of begging while Jeannie was running the ATM gauntlet, I was given the stellar advice to beg for the money from my "countrymen"

Taylor: wait, she told you beg? What the f---

Jeannie: Taylor please, can we get back to what's really important? I completed a marathon on my forth lap back to the terminal to try and change our flight

Jenn: meanwhile I'm being told that Jeannie can only leave the airport in a plane so I try to buy her a ticket from Lima to Lima but no dice. 

Jeannie: we eventually work things out with two different sets of documents saying that we are, in fact, allowed to leave the airport.

Taylor: where are the documents that allow me to leave this conversation?

Jeannie: Taylor...ok? ...just, c'mon. 

Jenn: fast forward a number of hours and we find ourselves back in the airport somewhere between security and immigration...again. A nice guy had helped us get plane tickets several hours early despite being on standby, and my passport had a freshly stamped visa. Apparently, though, it needed a different stamp.

Taylor: what's with Peru and stamps?

Jeannie: so this one we stick together but lose more and more hope with every passing second until we are sitting in a back hallway in immigration wallowing in a pit of self despair.

Jenn: while we are trying to figure out how to say "skrew it" and leave the airport, Jeannie made a face at an old man that even broke my heart.

Taylor: but you don't have a heart.

Jenn: exactly.

Jeannie: in a last ditch effort, we follow this old man to a desk where he passes is of to another old man and this younger dude who was super cool.

Jenn: then, suddenly, like a lady stallion of justice, comes our savior. She forcefully tells the other two, "these are volunteers, we have I let them pass no matter what. Just do it"

Jeannie: after a few breathtaking moments where the exit stamp almost touches the passport, Jenn finally is free. We go to our savior, and she says, "go girls,run!"

Taylor: omg did you guys, like, hug and kiss and cry???

Jeannie: you know, Taylor, you can really be a bitch sometimes. 

Jenn: kind of like Peruvian immigrations

Taylor: well, there you have it: the senseless ramblings of two people who probably belong in an insane asylum.

Jenn: but this really happened--

Taylor: sorry, Jenn. Go put your shoes on, you can't sleep here, this is a restaurant. Folks, if we have learned anything from this, it is that you probably shouldn't run through airport security and that making sad faces at old men can sometimes help.