Dolls are people too

Ok, so these two girls decided to go on a trip to Argentina and Bolivia, and they brought me with them. And frankly, I'd like to take a few moments to talk about what really mattered during the last few weeks: the horrible mistreatment of a small Asian doll named Taylor. Yes, I am talking about me.

I'd like to say that it's not that I'm always pissed off, it's just how my face was painted on. But after a few weeks with Jean and Jenn, I'm glad that my face can show the constant feeling of hatred that I have toward these bitches.

Seriously, there were days that I never saw the outside of a purse. Do you know what else they keep in their purses? Well, neither do I because it's really dark in there.

I've stolen this smartphone and this is a cry for help. I'm not joking, someone please help me. I'm literally on the verge of slitting my wrists, but I can't because they are attached to the sides of my body.

All I have to say is that these guys deserve to be on death row for their blatant disregard for my rights. Well, ok, maybe not death row, but at least prison. I mean maybe prison is a little much, but like a harsh reprimanding. I really do hate them. Hate maybe is a strong word. I guess they're alright...

OMG I have Stockholm syndrome! I was kept in a bag! For weeks!

Salty Kuwait

Kuwait a minute, I've just been a-salt-ed.

Two hotels are next to each other, one is a salted.

Salt puns aside, let me tell you kids about our most recent adventure: Salar de Uyuni, commonly known as the Uyuni salt flats.

So it's blindingly white, and it's flat, and it's bigger than Kuwait.

Let me say that again. It's bigger than Kuwait. Like the country. It's like if Kuwait was flattened out and covered in salt. That's a small country of salt.

(ok so we fact checked a bit, and it seems our tour guide may have exaggerated, but it's still over 10,000 square kilometers of salt...and that's pretty big)

I can't stress enough that it is really big. It is so big that it looks like it's curving because of the curvature of the earth.

Ok so you get it, it's really big. We had a tour guide who reminded me of an old cartoon character that I couldn't quite put my finder on. Highlights of the two day tour included seeing weird hexagons where the water had bubbled up from below, sleeping in a hotel made of salt, finding the iPhone 6, hiking part way up a volcano, and watching the sunrise.

Did I mention that it's really big?

Death Road Adventures

Before I start this blog I'd like to apologize to each and every one of you (Todd) for the lack of blogging in the last few days. Internet in Bolivia has proven difficult. 

Now let me tell you about Sunday, for it was quite a day. 

Sunday morning we spontaneously awoke at 6 and decided it was about time to mountain bike down the Death Road. And so we set off for breakfast before loading up into a bus full of adventure seekers from around the world and two awesome guides. 

A little over an hour later, when the guide called my name first to get my gear and bike, I realized what I'd signed up for. As I test rode my bike around the parking area and remembered that I hadn't ridden a bike on anything but flat desert road in over two years, and mentally smacked myself. 

Once we were all set up with equipment, we set off in a single file line down a slightly wet road nearly entirely covered in fog and true to form Jeannie seemed cool while I reevaluated my life choices and tried not to scream. 

The first 22 km were paved and without many obstacles. We took several breaks to check in and rest and after about an hour, I was beginning to feel like perhaps I wouldn't hit my front breaks, flip over my bike and break my jaw on six places. I was nearly certain it would only be four places. 

Of course this was when we made it to the actual Death Road, entirely gravel and not entirely friendly looking. As the guide asked if we were ready to get going, Jeannie mounted her bike and declared she was. The guide then looked at me and I made a series of noises and mumbled to myself while getting on my bike. He looked worried for a moment but Jeannie explained,

"She's fine, just dramatic,"

We took the road in sections, stopping every twenty minutes to regroup. We encountered waterfalls and the constant reminder of a very steep edge that would likely bring...well, death...if we got too close. 

When we finally made it to the end, beer was waiting for us. We all enjoyed and shared our experiences and thoughts before being ferried to an animal reserve where we had lunch (not the animals) and hot showers before getting back on the bus and riding the three hours back to La Paz, tired but happy. 

Where self-aware and self-involved meet...

I'm not going to lie, I hate hostel people. Please tell me more about how you "don't travel to be a tourist" you "travel for the culture". Oh, you wrote a poem? Oh, you've been traveling for 9 months? Although I only asked where you we're from, I'm so glad you told me about how much pot you smoked in high school, because that's what I really wanted to know.

I suppose we've been spoiled by our own little apartment in Buenos Aires and only having to deal with each other. Sure, some days I want to punch Jenn in the throat for singing the same freaking song over and over for 15 days, but with her, at least I know what I'm getting myself into.

Sorry kids, we just really needed to get that off our chests.

So we've spent the last day in La Paz! We had a questionable night's sleep because of the incomprehensibly loud people in our dorm, but we woke up and faced the day anyways. We had some awesome juice and soup in the market for lunch, planned our stay in Bolivia (Death Road, here we come!), and wandered the plaza de arms, got really nervous around some pigeons (me this time, not Jenn) and ate a banana split. I'd say today was a success.

Stay tuned because tomorrow may be our last day on this earth (which will be awkward because we won't be around to blog about it)...intrigued, aren't you?

Chao Argentina

I'm going to honest with you, kids: today was probably less than blog worthy. And while I considered making up a grand story about Jeannie being attacked by a giant spider or the plane emergency landing in the Atlantic, leaving us to swim miles to shore, I think you're water than that. We're all better than that. 

So, the real story. Today we had our final morning in iguazu and flew back to Buenos Aires. After a brief moment of panic at the sight of numerous, giant planes and then another brief moment of panic when my backpack didn't come out on the belt for far too long, we made our way back to the hostel. 

We enjoyed a fantastic chorizo with all the cremas you can dream of and sat in the shade. Of course we followed this with a long and arduous search for ice cram. We walked many blocks out of our way but finally we found it and it wa magical and entirely worth it. 

We returned to the hostel and relaxed, plagued by a mysterious stomach ache until I decided I needed to hunt for leather boots and forced Jeannie to accompany me. I found some, they're glorious. 

Tomorrow morning we fly to La Paz, Bolivia for a week of hiking and hijinx. Get ready. 

Snowman selfies

Yesterday, we got trapped inside a cafe. The wall of rain prevented us from leaving, and the lack of wifi and affordable food made that cafe like our little hell.

Once we made it back to the house, our afternoon was filled with sitting around and going stir crazy.

Finally, the rain passed, and we went to the Ice Bar. The Ice Bar is...well...a bar but it's made of ice. You pay a cover price, and they allow you to stay inside for 30 minutes with an open bar (you know, made of ice).

Challenge accepted.

Jenn was cold before we even entered the room. They gave us large orange fuzzy jackets and mittens, and ushered us into a refrigerator-temperature room in order to ease us into the freezer ahead of us.

The whole thing was pretty cool: ice tables, ice cups, ice sculpture of a stegosaurus. You get the idea... it was an ice bar.

I can't confirm or deny that we got drunk, but of you can win at the Ice Bar, we definitely did.

After leaving the Ice Bar, we warmed our toes over a street hamburger and made our way to the Living Room, "the place of good times," or at least that's what the sign in front told us.

I won't bore you with the details, but I guess we had  a pretty good time.

Today we went on a long walk through the jungle, and after lunch went to Tres Fronteras (Three Borders), which is this place where you can see Brazil and Paraguay across the river. After discussing the actual feasibility of swimming across the river to be illegal in yet another country, we decided that we were basically in 3 countries today and that was good enough.

Tomorrow we fly back to Buenos Aires for a hot second before we fly to La Paz, Bolivia the next day (totally legal, I swear). I can't wait to get out of the jungle so I can stop sweating, and Jenn is getting nervous about the cold.

Things that go bump in the night

Kids, last night I was enjoying the peaceful slumber of one who has been in the sun and heat all day, when I was abruptly awoken by a series of noises. 

First I felt something crawl onto my bed, but just the edge. It reached up over me and I felt something fall sharply into my head. This was followed by a groggy, apologetic "I just...I'm so hot, I'm sorry, I'm just so hot."

When I heard the air conditioner click on above my head I understood that a heat-delirious Jeannie must have been lying awake, sweating her face off for hours before finally deciding to turn on the AC. 

Thankfully she didn't die of heat stroke and I had blankets at the ready.